You can't repair what you can't see

It has certainly discomfited any number of leadership teams I have worked with in Sydney and Melbourne. It's also the hardest truth about relationships, whether in a boardroom, a shop floor or a kitchen table. Self awareness isn't fuzzy personal development language; it's a very practical skill. It's the flip that shifts conversations from blame and reactivity to curiosity and repair.

Why I'm so harsh about this: I've seen smart people with amazing technical skills fail, over and over, on simple human tasks because they hadn't taken the time to know their own patterns. No drama. No villainy. Just ignorance of themselves, that erodes trust over time. Fix that and suddenly you have better meetings, fewer blown up projects and the type of loyalty statistics can't measure.

What self awareness really is, and what it isn't

Self awareness is more than introspective navel gazing. It has two legs: internal awareness (how you experience yourself, your emotions, values and preferences) and external awareness (how others perceive you, tone, body language, impact). Together, they're telling you not just how you feel, but what that feeling brings to a relationship.

Internal awareness without external check is the polite cousin of narcissism. External awareness with no internal grounding, she wrote, leads to performative empathy, you parrot the right thing but can't understand why it feels so wrong when someone accuses you of mistreating a colleague.

The useful balance? The simple, sincere curiosity in yourself combined with a willingness to address your impact on others.

Just two up front opinions, accept or reject as you see fit:

• Hire for emotional intelligence way before technical mettle. "People will hire for hard skills, but they fire for soft skills," Ms. Garcia said. Hard skills can be taught; knowing yourself, less so.
• Therapy or coaching should be as routine as dental checkups. Yes, even for executives.

Either will offend some readers. Good. If we're not disturbing cosy assumptions, we're probably failing in ourselves.

Why it matters in real relationships

Relationships, personal, professional, wither and die because people act without thought rather than awareness. You think the other person "should know" your feelings. They don't. You lash out, recede or stonewall, and now there's a misfit.

Self awareness alters that pattern. You can stop when you recognise your trigger. You can opt for curiosity over certainty. It's in that pause that repair occurs. It is there that conversations go from the episodes of accusation to the real addressing of issues.

Communication: clarity, not cleverness

Self aware people communicate in a different way. Not more sophisticated language, necessarily, but readier intentions. They'll tell me, "I'm anxious about this timeline because I care so much about getting it right," rather than, "You are being ridiculous." One is an invitation, the other a shutdown.

Two practical payoffs:

• You will receive less of an emotional reaction. Once you realise your bias or hot button, you're less likely to jump into a defensive crouch.
• Better listening. If your interior monologue isn't firing off, you can actually listen to the other person. Active listening becomes a real possibility; not just nodding while planning your retort.

It is why the need for self awareness has become an increasingly frequent topic in discussion among HR leaders across Australia as a core leadership competency. It isn't soft; it's strategic. And LinkedIn's global talent trends report (2019) found that 92% of talent professionals say soft skills, like empathy and self awareness, are as important or even more important than hard skills. That's not a throwaway stat; it is hiring reality.

Empathy sans self awareness is subpar

You know this, people say "be empathetic" as if it's a neat trick you flip on. But healthy empathy is grounded in self awareness. It is impossible to step into someone else's shoes if you are still wrestling with the blisters in yours.

Here's an example from a workshop we delivered in Brisbane: an effective manager was continually adding solutions in meetings, while the members of his team disengaged. When he learnt that his approach made people feel small, he corrected. He didn't get soft, he got strategic. Team engagement rose. Deadlines were met. Same person. Different impact.

Recognising bias, the silent saboteur

Bias resides in the shadows of our background, subtly defaulting us into reactions. Self awareness thrusts bias to the front of our conscious. Not to induce shame. To create choice.

Practical exercises that do work:

• Keep a quick "reaction log" for a week, note when you're feeling challenged in some way and what you think set it off.
• Ask trustworthy coworkers to offer one behaviour observation a month, then listen without defending.
• Deploy a pause: breathe, label the emotion, then speak.

It's these small, set practices that lay the foundation of noticing. Periods and experience you begin to replace unconscious bias motivated response with conscious intent.

Not excuses

Everyone has triggers. The goal is not to banish them; it's to study how they are built. The trigger is often shorthand for a deeper need: being heard, having competence recognised, fearing loss of control. It's no longer I win, you lose, but instead "I need x" and the other person can choose to give it or not.

Communication tools to experiment with: Use "I" statements. Simple but revolutionary: "I feel overwhelmed when plans change last minute" versus "You always change the plans."

• Clarify doubts, don't react to them. What did you mean by that?" is a better opener than "That's not fair."
• Make specific behavioural requests instead of abstract complaints. "Can we establish expectations for notice with schedule changes?" instead of "Stop being inconsiderate."

Active listening, the quietly heroic skill

Active listening is one of those skills that everyone agrees they're good at but few are. Self awareness helps, too, because it's the listener's task to manage their own reactivity. If you can see your impulse there to talk over, make a point or rescue, if you notice them and then refuse to act on any one of these impulses, you actually receive the understanding of another person.

Practical tip: paraphrase. If you have some inkling of what you've heard from someone, report it back in an abbreviated fashion. When people feel understood, they calm down. They open up. Transactions become conversations.

Conflict as data, not indictment

Conflicts are information. They show you what matters. Self aware individuals read conflicts like a pro: what commodity was in danger? What need didn't get met? The moment you start seeing conflict not as a judgement about character but instead as data, you're unlocking the roads to constructive negotiation.

Some simple steps: Name the emotion. "I see we're both frustrated."

• State the need. "I need predictability to do this work well.
• Suggest a small experiment. "Let's test a weekly planning huddle for two sprints and re evaluate."

Small experiments are underrated. They turn vague commitments into clear results.

Compassion, and emotional intelligence: learnt, not awarded

Too often "emotional intelligence" is mistakenly equated with a personality trait you either have or don't. It's a skill set, self regulation, social awareness, empathy, and it is something that can be developed. That's the empowering part.

Effective training techniques that work:

• Short reflective practices: If you spend just five minutes at the start or end of the day noting how you felt and why?
• Role plays in safe environments to practise difficult conversations.
• Manager coaching to turn feedback into actionable behaviour change.

We conduct bespoke versions of these in workplaces through Adelaide and Perth, not with platitudes, but rigorous practised feedback loops. It works. People become more intentional. Teams perform better.

Diversity and perspective, the growth edge

If you want relationship that work in a modern working world, you need to be able to hold difference without splitting it into division. People who are self aware know when their take cages the discussion. They also welcome other views instead of rejecting them.

This doesn't require grand gestures. It's this micro behaviour: Asking teammates their take, earnestly considering alternatives and shifting your position when it makes sense. It's that humility that is magnetic in leadership.

Pragmatic constraints and real world honesty

The simple truth is most Organisations are after the quick wins. They are looking for a certificate and a feel great survey. Real self awareness takes time. It takes psychological safety, repetition and leaders who are prepared to model vulnerability non pervasively.

If you're planning a program, don't count on any one workshop to alter habits. Think coaching, nudges and embedded practice. A 90 minute session raises awareness; a 12 week learning loop builds habit.

One more for the controversial side I suppose:

• Appraisals to measure behavioural outcomes related to self awareness. Managers who love "outputs only" will be frustrated. But it's fair, and it works. Performance metrics are enhanced more by consistency of behaviour than flashes of brilliance.

What to quantify, and not to

Measure changes in behaviour, not just attitude. Pre/post surveys are helpful but not only should they be combined with manager observations, peer feedback and a couple of key behavioural indicators: meeting dynamics, repeat conflict occurrences and cohesion quality.

Numbers count, but don't make everything a vanity metric.

A simple, practical roadmap

• Begin with a short assessment: how do people feel currently about the team's listening, accountability, and conflict style?
• Run a base workshop that imparts common language: triggers, "I" statements, active listening.
• Follow with coached practice sessions: real issues, real feedback.
• Reinforce with easy practices: opening check ins, end of meeting temperature checks.
• Measure with some mix of quantitative and qualitative ways (what would change? What's different?).

We've seen this practise shift cultures in Canberra offices and regional teams, greater trust, far fewer escalations, better staff retention.

Also, connection is pragmatic

Stop romanticising self awareness. It isn't an end in itself. It is a way of human connection that gets things done. Teams that do these things regularly not only ship better products, they handle crises with less drama and keep their best people.

If you want better relationships at home or work, start by learning what lights you up and what sets you off. Name it. Share it. Then do the unglamorous job of testing impact.

And keep in mind: self awareness isn't a bauble. It's a muscle. Use it. Strengthen it. Repeat.

Sources & Notes

LinkedIn Talent Solutions, "Global Talent Trends 2019," from which comes this note: 92% of talent professionals say soft skills are equally or more important than hard skills.